About Poems - Weight Of, Alone, and So Tired - and other things.

A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting after Sacrament with one of my Visiting Teachers and another sister she visit teaches. Early in conversation I was asked why I didn’t attend Relief Society, our first meeting on Sundays. I tried to open up and explain the struggle to convince myself to get up and come. The response I heard (please note not what was said, but what I heard) was don’t need friends, be a loner like me. I got up and left, I may have said something along lines of ‘too long’ as leaving. I was hurting and I was frustrated that my struggle apparently was not heard, not even really listened to. I had previously told this sister that I was chronically depressed and that conversation was quickly ended and only contact was brief at church. I didn’t hear from either sister until the next Sunday. These three poems came out from that incident. These are similar to ones I wrote in August and September of 2011 after similar event of overwhelming feelings of being rejected or ignored. 

Be advised that I am chronically depressed and I am not going to hide that on this blog any longer, starting with sharing these poems and their personal nature. I was on anti-depressants for years and actually feel better generally now that I stopped taking them. There are times when events really get me down, this event being one of them. The negative thoughts are always there, sometimes easier to counteract than other times. Going to church is especially hard, being alone in a crowd where there are people I would like to know better.

I know church is not a social venue, but where we go to learn and uplift each other. I’m ‘wrapped up so well to protect myself’ from the ‘alone in crowd’ feelings I don’t really feel much of anything at church. Praying or not praying doesn’t matter I still hurt. Reading scriptures or not reading doesn’t matter I still hurt. Attending all my meetings and doing all the other service things or not doesn’t matter I still hurt. What little faith and hope I have apparently is not enough. I wonder how I keep going at times. 

About Poems: Twilight Couples

As promised back to posting poems.  The earlier poems I wrote without preview help.  They were posted on Ramblings and Thoughts and Fanfiction.net.  They were being read and reviewed, even marked as favorites.  One early review after just the first two mentioned looking forward to more.  That encouraged me to write some more and the next batch came about.  I was having some problems with these couple poems and wanted some preview help.  I asked one of the regular reviews of my poems on R&T to preview and beta them and asked a friend for the same help.  Christine and Karen helped make all of these poems better and hopefully all future ones too.  Thank you ladies for the assistance and encouragement.

I am putting this "About" in the middle of a set of four poems about the Twilight Couples.  So far I've only done the Cullens.  There are other couples and I am thinking about those, but nothing has come together yet.

After doing the Alice, Twilight Lexicon and Stephenie poems I thought about what next to write on.  There are two authors writing stories about Carlisle and Esme's early years.  These stories are wonderful in same way as Singularity and the original saga.  So I started thinking about Carlisle and Esme as a couple and thought maybe I could do a poem for each Twilight couple.  Hope you enjoy.  Comments are greatly appreciated.

There are links to these Carlisle and Esme stories on the right side:
No Longer Alone by Elise Shaw
A Coming of Age by Elise Shaw
Stained Glass Soul by Mackenzielle    this is Esme's point of view
Behind Stained Glass by Mackenzielle   these chapters are Carlisle's or Edward's pov