15 July 2015

About Poems - Weight Of, Alone, and So Tired - and other things.

A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting after Sacrament with one of my Visiting Teachers and another sister she visit teaches. Early in conversation I was asked why I didn’t attend Relief Society, our first meeting on Sundays. I tried to open up and explain the struggle to convince myself to get up and come. The response I heard (please note not what was said, but what I heard) was don’t need friends, be a loner like me. I got up and left, I may have said something along lines of ‘too long’ as leaving. I was hurting and I was frustrated that my struggle apparently was not heard, not even really listened to. I had previously told this sister that I was chronically depressed and that conversation was quickly ended and only contact was brief at church. I didn’t hear from either sister until the next Sunday. These three poems came out from that incident. These are similar to ones I wrote in August and September of 2011 after similar event of overwhelming feelings of being rejected or ignored. 

Be advised that I am chronically depressed and I am not going to hide that on this blog any longer, starting with sharing these poems and their personal nature. I was on anti-depressants for years and actually feel better generally now that I stopped taking them. There are times when events really get me down, this event being one of them. The negative thoughts are always there, sometimes easier to counteract than other times. Going to church is especially hard, being alone in a crowd where there are people I would like to know better.

I know church is not a social venue, but where we go to learn and uplift each other. I’m ‘wrapped up so well to protect myself’ from the ‘alone in crowd’ feelings I don’t really feel much of anything at church. Praying or not praying doesn’t matter I still hurt. Reading scriptures or not reading doesn’t matter I still hurt. Attending all my meetings and doing all the other service things or not doesn’t matter I still hurt. What little faith and hope I have apparently is not enough. I wonder how I keep going at times. 

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